I started this blog for all the wrong reasons. I started this blog because of a man. Nothing against men, I love men with all their muscles and fur and smells...men are great. As is the man that I am referring to. He is a great man, better than most. Charm, charisma, wise beyond his years. I started this blog as a means to stay connected with him. He was once a very big part of my and my daughter's lives. We were family once (and I feel our life forces will always be interwined) but young hearts and bad decisions tore us apart. I have been apologizing to this man (or the drunk beside me at the bar or screaming it to the sky or whoever would listen to my tale of woe) for years but no more. I realize now it's not the memories but my own guilt that was forcing me to hold on to this misery. When I take away guilt from the equation I start to see the truth of the matter. The truth is shit happens and people suck. Hearts will lie to you more often than not and the voice of reason is hard to hear when the party's raging. I was a kid and I fucked up and I forgive myself. Moving on................
While dealing with the latest drama of the current co-inhabitor I started to realize just exactly how much of my life I had lost trying to make or keep a man happy or trying to endear myself to the opposite sex for any kind of validation of my attractiveness. It disgusted me. And then I realized that my daughter was exhibiting those same "but he needs me" tendancies with no thought to her own needs.....and I threw up. I don't want her to hold back who she truly is because the guy she fell in love with doesn't "get" her. I don't want her to miss out on some grand adventure because she was too busy trying to fit into the mold of someone else's expectations. It was honestly the first time I had ever felt like a bad mother. I was her role model and all she ever saw me do was try and please people and walk on eggshells to keep the peace and give with no limit. Some say that all those things are signs of a good person. Bullshit. Those are characteristic of a coward. A woman so afraid to be without a man that she would let her daughter witness her take a guy back after cheating on and stealing from and lying to her numerous times. I let her see that having a man in your life was more important than the role he played in it. This is my biggest regret. I only hope she has the smarts that I didn't and doesn't waste what I did.
My daughter is now technically an adult. She has big plans and dreams(all involving her boyfriend...sigh) and I realized that the time I had secretly dreamed of for years was finally here. 35 years old, my only child is grown and going away to college and the sky's the limit...right? Instantly my old friend fear came creeping in. I have a boyfriend. Things are not good. Things in fact are probably a lot worse than he realizes. I am pretty sure I want to be on my own, in fact I kind of crave it in a way. Still, I'm afraid. I'm afraid to tell him, not because of his reaction or anything but because when I tell him it will exist in the world and not just in the safe confines of my mind. It will be a change and I absolutely hate change. I fear that I will be weak and give in to shallow emotions like lonliness and allow myself to be talked out of going through with it. I fear I won't make it on my own. I can't afford to be afraid anymore. My chances to live the life I want to live get fewer and farther between with each passing year. I've already wasted so many.
I am going to start writing in this blog again. Not because I'm trying to make some jilted ex-lover think about me or to complain about my shitty existence but because I love to write. I have this bad habit of getting an idea and furiously writing a page or two until I draw a blank and eventually abandon it all together. It's laziness and petty distractions and I will not allow this to continue. Mark my words, a change is a'comin. It's my turn now.
